These swings were the last place we were happy.
Even if only for a moment before I cried.



January 7, 2006: I met you - my heart - for the first time. I had never thought I could fall so in love with someone at first sight, but when you stepped into the room for the first time, I was completely overwhelmed. Life felt like it had finally fallen into place and I was wrapped in the arms of the one I was to spend the rest of my life with. You were such a free spirit - it was one of the first things I loved about you. You hated being controlled but you knew when you had to stop being stubborn and do things. You knew your lines, you knew when you couldn't be such a wild thing.

January 13, 2006: A supposed group date to the movies. I got stuck with your brother, Barbara, Jason and Samantha that night and you were nowhere to be found. It crushed me - it was supposed to be for your birthday, I was told you wanted me to come. It made me feel like you didn't. I felt like I had wasted my time and was stupid for thinking I had a chance.

January 14, 2006: Even after the night before, I couldn't stay mad at you. It was impossible and still is. After over two years of not being in a relationship, you asked me in a whisper if I would be your girlfriend. My mind was blanket, my heart stopped and I still managed to breathlessly say yes to you. You held me like I was the most precious thing in the world and sung me to sleep that night before I had to go home. Everything was right and I was more than pleased with life.

January 15, 2006: It was the last night I got to spend with you before you were to go back to Washington. My mom wasn't happy when I told her I wasn't coming home that night because you and Barbara were sick and I refused to leave either of you. Heh, it was also the night you decided to take a leak on your best friend. And it was also the night you decided to kiss Barbara and I didn't find out until over a month later.. I still never crucified you for it. Guess I loved you too much to do that.

January 16, 2006: I was forced to say goodbye to you when my mom came to pick me up. It was one of the hardest things for me to do - get off the bed, out of your arms and walk out the door. I cried on the phone when I called you later that night - remember? It was hard to accept that more than half my heart was flying to the other side of the country and I wouldn't get to see it for more than six months.

January 17, 2006: You flew back to Washington. I was stuck in school. I would've given anything to have seen you off at the airport, but maybe it was for the best that I didn't go. The fact that I wouldn't get to see you that night didn't bother me throughout the day. It was only after I got home that I took in the reality of it all. I helplessly clung to my pillow all night long knowing I wouldn't hear from you for a while.

February 21, 2006: The first night in over a month that I got to hear your voice again. You have no idea how badly I wished I could've recorded it so that I could just listen to it over and over again. I missed your voice so much - it was always soothing. You called three times that night, I was so happy.

March 22, 2006: You truly stunned me again when you asked me - for the first time of many to come - if I would marry you when you came home from Washington at the end of June. I only said I'd think about it - I never really told you the real answer. I was only seventeen, I didn't really want to think about marriage at that point.

April 14, 2006: You hurt me in one of the worst ways ever - threatening to break up with me and three hours later telling me it was your way of teaching me a lesson. It was the worst thing anyone had ever done to me and it continues to haunt me. It cut so bad that for several days, I was completely curled in a ball when I was on the phone with you. The fear consumed me and I could hardly talk to you. Nothing felt right after that night and I honestly considered breaking up with you myself because I didn't know what else to do.

May 5, 2006: Just after midnight you sent me a text message calling in quits. I didn't sleep the rest of that night. My stomach removed everything that was in it and I slept on the bathroom floor for two hours before I had to go to school. I had never felt so hollow in my entire life - it was like a huge part of my died and everyone say it. I had lost my light, my smile, my life. I was a walking corpse to put it plainly. It took all that I had to hold together that day. I didn't even take my AP exam and knew the SAT the next day was going to be hell.

May 10, 2006: I went to my recruiter and plainly said that I wanted out of my contract. She was concerned for me, she could see I wasn't the same and asked what was wrong. I said nothing, that I just wasn't sure about the Army just yet. She said she'd talk to the station commander and arrange for me to go talk with the captain.

June 9, 2006: Rather than replacing my friend's date for prom, I sat in a car with my recruiter and the station commander on our way to Albany. I talked with my first sergeant and my captain and they managed to keep my in my contract. Something about what they said to me soothed me and gave me comfort in my decision to go.

June 26, 2006: My best friend Kali's 18th birthday and I couldn't be there for her. I was taken to Albany, signed in, and put in a hotel for the night. I got to talk to you that night - you still didn't want me to go. Also said if I was held back for some reason in the morning, you'd come see me. I wished for that, too.

June 27, 2006: I wasn't held back. My weight was fine, six pounds under from the last time I had been weighed. I was stuck on a plane with three other recruits and sent to Fort Jackson. We were held over in Washington DC - that was the last time I would get to talk to you, too.

July 2006: Somewhere within my first week of Basic, I managed to mess up my right ankle. I beat myself for it and hated myself for screwing up so soon. I sat around with females who disliked me for four weeks, waiting for my papers to go through and for them to send me home. The physician's assistant that kept examining my ankle took me off my crutches a week later and threw my bandage away. I was pissed at her - she didn't know what the hell she was doing. One of my Drill Sergeants retrieved another pair of crutches for me since I couldn't walk. I kept your photo with me at all times - tucked away in the tiny pocket of my PT shorts that it just fit into. At night, I would hold onto it like it was the most precious item I had ever had. There were nights I would sit up waiting for someone to come at me with a soap bar in a pillow case because I was hated that much - I did what the Drill Sergeants told me and I was always used as the model for things done right. I still remember the Sergeant that used me as a model the most - Sergeant Hiefler. He was grumpy one, but he wasn't bad once you got to know him. Sergeant Brandt took care of us holdovers, we were his broken soldiers. I also remember some of my Drill Sergeants - Flores, Sims, Fletcher, Gumlaw and Williams. I know I left one out, I can't remember his name - he was the one that squared away our platoon. He was strict, of course, but he was like one of those father-like DS. I had tried to call you once when I was there. DS Gumlaw was on duty that day and basically told us if we wanted to use the phones, we could. After talking with my mom and her asking if I was spoken to you, I gave your phone a ring. Jimbo answered - I was kind of disappointed. He told me to try again later if I wanted, but I didn't.

July 24, 2006: Two flights and I was home. It felt like I had never left in the first place. My family was the same, the car was the same, the house was the same. I was different. You sent me a message when we were on our way home, asked if I wanted to go for a ride. I laughed and said I was just out of Albany. I wanted to see you so badly.

July 25, 2006: You messaged me again that night. You picked me up, you didn't want to sit around because your niece was in the hospital. We stopped and looked at the stars and talked. Astronomy was always something we both loved. You remember what happened that night and so do I. I don't know whether or not I should regret it seeing as the next morning I found out you had a girlfriend. But after time, I accepted it as something that happened and it never would again.

July 27, 2006: I had made a friend the day I was leaving for Basic - Taylor. He was the first person I hung out with when I came home from basic, and he declared us boyfriend and girlfriend on this day. I still felt bad in a way because I was still latched onto you despite finding out about your girlfriend. Two weeks later I lost him because of a pregnancy scare from the little fling you and I had that one night.

September 12, 2006: My eighteenth birthday and one day after the five year anniversary of 9/11 - one of the most miserable days of my life. If anyone had said "Happy Birthday" to me, I didn't hear them. Or at least I don't remember hearing them. I didn't do anything that day. I just sat in my room cuddling my pillows and clenching your photo in my hand. It still hurt not to have you around.

September 16, 2006: Just eighteen and I was already going to one of the hardest things I would ever have to face in my life - an infant's funeral. Barbara had not wanted to go alone and even though I knew you were going to be there, I went anyhow. But I didn't go just because I would have the chance of seeing you. I went because in the time that we were together, I bonded with your family so much. The least I could do was be there for them. And having had you stand behind me the entire service.. it unnerved me. I had expected your girlfriend to be there right along side you and she wasn't. I wanted to move away from you - I was still upset - but it was too crowded and I had to deal. That was also the first day in a very long time that I had prayed for anyone and I prayed for Jessica. And on what would've been her first birthday in the May to come, after I returned from NYC, I paid a visit to her grave. I tend to do that from time to time, sometimes I leave a flower and always say a prayer.

October 29, 2006: I was doing much better by this point. Obie, one of the guys I had sat with at lunch the school year before, asked me if I wanted to hang out for a while. We got milkshakes and then went back to his house to watch a movie. He was one of the few people I ever expected to want to spend his time with me. A week later I snuck out and met him and didn't get home until five in the morning. Mom was sitting up waiting for me. Not long after that, I walked out on my parents at midnight one night and lucky me, Obie was sitting outside my house waiting for me. I spent the night with him. He's become one of the few guys I can stand being around for long periods of time.


December 6, 2006: I didn't go to school this day. I wasn't allowed to drive the car because I had walked out a few weeks before, so my friend Dave had been picking me up and dropping me off at school in the morning. We went in the totally opposite direction of the school and went back to his house for the day. We weren't in the best of moods and we let ourselves get out of hand. Our day ended with a trip to the pharmacy, a pill, and a secret to drive us insane. But we liked what we had - a relationship that no one knew about and they couldn't pick at us.


December 26, 2006: I found out that you had gotten married. I thought our break up killed me - this murdered me. At that point, I was more than convinced the greatest part of me was gone forever and I would never get that part back. Dave and his friend Steve picked me up late that night and the three of us hung around. Then Steve thought it was be a great idea to vandalize the school and ended up getting caught with Dave and me in the car. He was arrested and Dave and I got in trouble because of him. We'd end up with community service at the end of it all by mid January.


January 7, 2007: One year, to the day, after we met. I stayed in my room the entire day - it was the day you were shipping out. Four days before, Carson had called me and told me when you were leaving and that you had been in your accident. I put your pictures away for good that day because I feared you'd never come back. And I had convinced myself that I was done and over with and my way of showing that to other people was by saying I hoped you never came back. Deep inside, I wanted you to come back.. And I wanted to be the one you came back to. But I knew that wasn't possible and I cried because of it.


January 14, 2007: This would've been our one year anniversary if I hadn't been such a fool. I tried to keep myself busy so that I wouldn't think about it. I ended up driving by your mother's old house that day and having to pull over at the park because I lost it. Reality just decided to beat the crap out of me the entire month.


February 1, 2007: I started to date one of the kindest Southern gentlemen I had ever gotten the chance to meet, Nathan. He got a divorce from his wife because she was never around, treated him like crap and took his money. I had known him for a while at this point. I loved talking to him and hearing all the things he had to share with me. He taught me a lot.


June 8, 2007: Senior prom.. Nathan couldn't make it to New York to go with me. I went anyhow, dressing my beige dress styled like something Marie Antoinette herself would've worn. It's the only dress I've never wanted to get out of. The night was fine until someone - I don't remember who - asked me about you. On top of other things that had been bothering me, I closed myself off and went home two hours early.


June 22, 2007: Graduation day.. I had heard you were coming home soon. There's was a tingle inside that I couldn't get rid of until reality set in. I wanted so badly to be the one to greet you when you got off the bus, I still wanted to be the one that you came home to after seven months gone. When my parents were driving me out to dinner, my mom told me how your wife had gone into the bank my mom works at and was showing off pictures of you to my mom's friends. They kept my mom in one of the other offices because she was still upset about everything that had happened - she knew what it had done to me and here your wife was showing a woman's daughter's ex to all her friends. She was tempted to go and ask your wife if she wanted the 10x18 photo I still have of you. I had almost stayed at the bank that day, too, to help out..


July 12, 2007: I went out to Wyoming to spend some time with Nathan, the one I thought I would be able to stick with for a long time. The only I thought could truly get me over you and bring back the pieces of me that I had lost. My time was short-lived, I had to come home on the 22nd because his supervisors were coming out to the job site. I couldn't stay. Having to get out of the truck and walk away from him was one of the hardest things I had ever had to do. Although, thinking back on it, I think I hated leaving the state more than leaving him.. I doubt it, though.


August 3, 2007: In the first time in over a year, I got to talk to you again. You have no idea how happy I was to hear your voice - it was one of the greatest things I have ever experienced. I also got to see you that night, too. And somewhere in-between the walk, the talk, climbing the rocks and taking in the sights.. I fell in love with you all over again. Only.. It hurt this time, because you're married and despite everything you said, it wasn't enough to convince me. I still trust you with my life, my heart and my soul, but while you're married, I cannot trust what you say about us, what you say about loving me. I'd give anything to believe it, anything to have you back.. But I can't sit around and dwell while you sort your stuff out. Regardless of you telling Jimbo about us and talking to him and Missy about things, I still can't take it as a solid guarantee.


August 9, 2007: I messed up this night.. We went to the park and talked. You followed me over to the swings and talked some more. It wasn't your fault that I broke down and started crying. I had been thinking about everything all day long and then being so close to you again, I just lost it because.. Here I was, sitting with the man that means everything to me.. And he's not mine. He hasn't been mine for a long time. I just broke, I just lost it and everything seemed to lose its shine, lose its hope. Nothing would work for us.. Nothing..


August 19, 2007: Now I sit here, finishing off this piece that has taken me over a week to write because it was painful to think of everything. Silly that I remember the exact dates of so much and all the little things that I didn't put in here. I just sit here and think of everything you've told me about your wife and can see that you deserve so much better than that. Whether you believe it or not, I could see the misery written on your face when I looked at you and I could hear it in your voice. The two cut like blades into my heart. I never thought I would ever see you in such pain. And with things are the way they are now.. I can't even talk to you, I can't even help. That hurts, too.. I can't have back the man I knew and loved because he's been twisted and distorted by a woman who doesn't know the kind of torment she inflicts. I'm sure she's a loving woman, when she wants, but she's still so blind to see what a wonderful this has and she's taking it for granted. The only thing I have been able to think since you started telling me how bad things have been for you.. Is that I can love you so much more than that and I know I can. And I know you know I can, too.. I'd give up everything I have to be with you again. If it meant leaving my jobs and uprooting myself to be with you, I would do it. You mean that much to me and you are so worth all of this.. You're so totally worth all of this..